a pieced and quilted life

brown skin....

"brown skin...you know i love your brown skin...i can't tell where yours begin...i can't tell where mines end" -india.aire

how else could i begin a post exploring the complexity of my beautiful brown skin?

i used to look at my big brother and envy his always tanned, darker complexion...but as i age...and my beautiful arm's get browner i learn to love the subtleties of my own skin...

with age comes comfort in your own skin. literally.

i'm sitting here watching my hands type away...listening to the clacking...and studying the hues in my hands....

i've ventured on this road of creating art dolls...and like frida kahlo...i only know how to paint my reality...which means me.

which also means i have to get a grip and understanding of how exactly to capture my skin in paint.

i knew it wasn't going to be easy...but for real?

it has to be this...convoluted? i'm like - really?

this morning...i got to mixing up burnt umber and raw sienna (from scratch)...and figured...i could "stumble" upon my complexion...how hard could it be...right?

arm "swatches" 

wrong!

why is it so hard to look at yourself and define yourself? we have ideas in our heads of how we are, how we look, how we sound, etc. and its only when we challenge that...that we are faced to realize how little or maybe even how intimately we know ourselves.

so let me be the first to admit.

i don't know my skin color.

i mixed, and mixed and mixed...and when i finally thought i figured it out...guess what? i got it wrong.

browns....mixed from 3 colors: yellow, red and green.

but in all honesty...who cares? the fun is in the discovery...how often do we get to stare at ourselves in the mirror and look to see how many colors we can find in our eyes, cheeks...lips?

i know those moments are few and far between for me in the jimenez household...with homeschooling and meschooling and husbandry...who has time? i don't.

it brings me to something that i realized just recently. 

i'm a tomboy.

but! i would dare to "coin" a new style...and call myself a "bohemian tomboy." i don't wear make-up...i don't have the time for dresses (though i'd prefer to wear them over pants any day), i live in my simple shoes, or flats. i don't comb my locs...spritz w/ essential oils and go. 

i'd rather be creating...and full of paint.

so anyway...i've gone off on one of my famous "kiandra tangents," back to the doll -

the first color i mixed and tried, was quite "orange" :p

i'm making progress on my lady art doll.

beautiful locs...

somehow, i managed to get some locs on her...and i love the result and i loved the process. i know i still have some learning and refining to do...

she looks a bit worried, no?

the only yarn i had in my stash...was this beautiful ozark yarn that i bought sometime ago...i'm not fond of the "gray/blonde" look she's got going on...but i'm not terribly disappointed and i feel it gives her some personality.

doll hair...

i'm now on a search for the right "hair" for her...

as india says:

"so far from where i started it out, so far from where i want to be...

thinking the faster that i go, the faster (that) i will reach my goal

the race is not given to the swift but to the one who endurenth"

so i'm at that stage in learning a new "language" where you know enough to not be able to turn back, yet you don't know enough to communicate your feelings. its like understanding book spanish, but not being able to read spanish poetry or literature.

i'm so, ever so-slowly learning a bit of the process...but i am also - so in the dark about it all at the same time. i know enough to know i'd love to be given the opportunity to express myself in this medium...yet i don't know enough to be as creative as the things my brain dreams up...or so i think...

after a long weekend of being unnecessarily hard and rude on my artist's self...i'm finally allowing myself some time and space to learn and make mistakes.

i'm going to be honest...i'm extremely hard and negative to my creative self. i set really hard goals for myself...and never allow myself the room or time to reach them. i expect for everything to be my best. and, there are often times where my best is not good enough for me.

there is a saying that "artist are their own worst critic." i know this to be my truth, but i don't see why this can't be changed...

"me"

look at how far off i was...

at least i got past "orange brown"

always a work in progress...life and art!

be peace...kiandra

for women who liked to play with dolls as girls...

there are us girls who loved our dolls...

they could do anything...comfort us, be us...inspire us. we could dress them, talk for them, give them personality and use them to act out our dreams for our life...

i'm one of those girls...and at the heart of me...i'm still that little girl with dreams...why not create my own dolls now that i know how...

"kikasa and chicken"

i've been reading, researching and trying my hardest to understand how to create an "art doll." i have so many ideas...they wake me up...and i'm scrambling for a pencil and my sketch book..

i'm constantly inundating e with "how can i do this, can i do that, help me do this." it feels amazing to find creative inspiration inside of you...and to have a vehicle for ideas, feelings and thoughts swimming around in your heart/mind.

i found myself so frustrated this past sunday that i was stopping before i'd even started...but somehow...i trudged on...and by monday night i'd created this figure...in my own way.

and i love it.

i love the rawness of all the pieces of cotton that makes her "skin." i think i'm going to have to dye some cotton...to better match my color...but there's time for that...

its been quite an experience thus far...feeling like i had all the information...yet none at all to create what's swimming around in my mind. so hard not to get frustrated and to "just do it" as e's been telling me. 

it wasn't that i was afraid of failing...but just honestly not knowing what to do..where to start.

i started by sculpting her head...and although i didn't do it right...and i can see that i have a lot of growing to do as far as sculpting faces go...i'm still very much pleased with what i have thus far...

she's my second...and she's already better than my first. the first is the other doll on the side...

i have a hard time with eyes and lips...i can draw eyes fairly well...mouths...i struggle with...and noses seems to come easy to me...

in sculpting the face..i find that the eyes and lips are just terribly difficult for me...the nose is rather easy...

my favorite part was making the body...i came up with a process as i was going along...combining what's been done...and adding some things that i prefer.

she's fully possible...though once she's created and posed and placed..i don't want her to be un-posed and re-posed too much...she's an art doll...and not a play doll.

"kikasa and chicken"

the best part?

she has a pet: "chicken"

i've asked e if we could get pet chickens..and his reply is always "come on ki" well, whatever...i have a pet chicken now...so hah! never mind that he's also my friendly critic...a shell of a friend from the past...and a figment of my imagination all combined into one...

inspiration and muse...is what it is...beautiful!

i've got a road ahead of me still...i need to give her a neck, place her head...and give her hands and feet. and of course there is still clothing. i'm honestly not looking forward to making her clothes..i'm not expecting to be too good at that..but that'll only means i'll come up with "my own way" of clothing her.

there's a saying in the doll-making community that as soon as you create your first doll, or for any one doll you create...you'll have 10-15 more "dolls" swimming around in your head, waiting to get created...

this has been my truth thus far...

i'm praying and asking for patience with myself and the process...that i get to the point where i can create all those other ideas walking around in my mind...waiting to be created.

i'm enjoying the creative ride...thus far.

peace and creativity...ki