a pieced and quilted life

the first encore.

of my life.

a week or two ago i came across something on she writes about encores. i read the e-mail quickly, and then got back to my lessons believing that the article was not one-hundred percent connected to or concerned with my life.

well, my mother called me later that day (or it could of been later that week - my days are a blur) and as she started to tell me about the changes her life is going through (good), i passed on what i had read earlier...that she was experiencing an encore in her life. i encouraged her to live it to the fullest, to dream wide big fat dreams and to do any and everything that would bring her peace and fulfillment. 

end of story. i thought.

i'm not sure if many of you know, but i'm attending a Christian-centered university. a part of my education is a couple of classes that center on a greater understanding of Christianity. the first was overview of the Bible, and this semester I am taking the Christian life. after this class, there will be no more that i have to take, however, i believe there will be more i want to take. (if i was a traditional student at my university i'd have to go to chapel daily (mon.-fri.), but since i am classified as an adult student (different program) my Christian fulfillment is met with two (very good) classes.)

anyway, in my current Christian studies class we're reading a book (which i love and recommend) called knowing God. and as i'm sitting here and reading it a thought occurs to me:

this is my first encore.

i don't think it was anything that i read particularly, but the overall change i've noticed in my life during these past three months re-dawned on me. i'm sure i've said it here before, in previous posts, but it needs repeating: i am not the same woman. not by far.

as i was reading and taking notes, i sort of looked back at myself and thought. this is not my life of 2009. nor 2007. nor 2005. nor 2003. i realized that i am on a new trail.

it is like my life is a journey through nature, and now i am encountering another terrain. as if before i was in the rainforest and now i'm going through the wide open plains or grasslands. nothing before, nothing after is neither bad nor good, but exists in its own respects, a life of its own.

i looked up encore in my handy dandy dictionary (not notebook) :)

encore - n. 1. a demand by an audience for an additional performance. 2. an additional performance in response to such a demand.

not bad, but i thought i'd change some words. here's my definition:

encore - n. 1. an encouragement by life for a new journey. 2. a new journey in response to changes in life.

my definition feels more applicable. it feels more understanding, as if through it we can understand and apply the concept of encores to our lives.

why encouragement instead of demand? new instead of additional? journey instead of performance? and changes in life in lieu of response to such a demand?

simple. life encourages us. life and the God of life, the God in our family, the God in nature, the God in the good things we do encourages us to move into new journeys. it happens when we respond to the changes in our lives, not the demands. demand is a negative word and the God in us...the life and God of our life is not negative. Life and the God of our life is shaping and creative, forceful and molding, but also loving and purposeful.

we most continually embrace life's encouragement to begin new journeys. we most respond to the changes in our lives, whatever they may be and set off as explorers, of ourselves, and journey through life's different, varied, and purposeful terrains.

remember: different, varied and purposeful.

i'm sitting here and i'm wondering out loud, and on screen -- what were the changes in my life? what encouraged me?

and it is simple, beautiful, and two-fold:

my granma and my children.

when granma died life ceased to continue as i knew it. it has been the most profound, in good and bad ways, experience my spirit has encountered to date. more profound than loosing my father at five. more profound than birthing my children. more profound than marrying my guardian angel. more profound than my childhood. more profound than anything.

more profound because it was painful and beautiful and inspiring and damning and pushing and uplifting all at once. there was never anything painful about bringing my children into the world. there was never anything beautiful about loosing my father tragically at five. there never anything damning about marrying edward. there was never nothing like that, all at once, in my childhood.

it was the moment and time when definition and purpose of life took up presence in my life.

which leads to my children.

they are the encouragement and the change. i realized i have to give them what granma gave me. what granma gave me personally and what granma gave me through my mother. what granma gave me in inspiration. what granma gave me in sacrifice. what granma gave me in love.

i look at my children and how loving, patient, nurturing and kind they were when i refused to get out of bed, even months after granma was gone and i am encouraged and inspired by their love. they deserve a granma-sized and abled mama who would do big and great things in their lives, by example. they deserve a mama who is strong enough to not only seek out but accomplish her dreams. they deserve a mama who lives up to her potential and does not hold back her gifts.

children do not do what you say, but what you do.

so...this encore is about what granma did for me. for my mother. for our family. her sacrifices. her love. her strength. her courage. her fire. her will to be her no matter who was looking, listening, or watching.

hear me when i say, that's my girl...and that's what i will do for my children. 

from my grandmother, to my mother, to me, to my daughter...out to the world.

so here i am today, smiling and knowing that it is true that granma's spirit lives on in me.

those things she sacrificed -- i will accomplish for her and me.

those things she taught -- i will teach in her name.

those things she embodied -- i will be for her, my children, and me.

granma never hid behind her talents, her strengths, her gifts. and that is what this first encore in my life is about.

sharing my talents, fortifying my strengths, and using my gifts.

we all have talents, strengths, and gifts...it is what makes us uniquely us...but it is up to us to share them, use them, and birth them out and into the world.

where ever you are in your life be like my granma, she would be proud and say to you like she said to me:

"you mark my words, i may be dead and gone but you gone do big thangs. granma knows what she talkin' bout. i may not live to see it, but you mark my words...granma knows what she talkin' bout."

i am marking your words granma.

love, ki

wishes of this full woman

"Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don't labor or spin thread..." 

i never thought it would take me 34 years to fill my skin and suspend my own bones. i inhabit myself now.

i am like granma sitting in a chair with her left calf on top of her right knee, a phone pushed against her ear with a side-cocked head, a moore cigarette in one hand, and the other hand snapping at us kids. that lady's me.

she was a full woman, and now i am too.

wishes of this full woman:

never hate anyone or anything

feel lovingkindness and compassion underneath my skin and eyelids all days

never forget that i'm smart/able/capable

write/create with human-ess, rawness, awareness, truthfulness, and life

learn how to heal myself, and help others learn how to heal themselves *(better to say learn to ask God for healing and teach others to do the same)

actively love my family daily

carry out my purpose with passion and intention

be apart of the cycle of inspiration

smile at the wind...dance with the bees...and sing with the hymns of rain

value my time, energy, and passion

have patience with myself and others

speak easy more times than not

think consciously instead of being an apathetic passenger in life

allow my heart to decorate my sleeves

never shy away from speaking my truth and sharing my life lessons

contribute to the happiness and blessings of others

accept me

continue to do, be, and seek better ways of living 

abandon fear, doubt, and insecurity

learn from nature

move with the flow, speed, and direction of life

cultivate godliness through spiritual discipline

blessings and peace, ki

*excerpt from my personal journal dated 5-12-11

that somebody called me

has it become the norm that my blog is no longer a blog, but a random update of what's going on in my life?

i hope not, but i'm afraid while i continue to adjust to university life it may be the case. there has been many times that i've wanted to come and share, but the amount of work on my plate for me to devour has been an obstacle. (not to mention i'm in the middle of dealing with mother nature and father winter and trying to get my summer vegetable garden established.)

obviously, so much has happened since my last post. i'm now five, going on six weeks into my first session. our semesters are broken up into eight-week chunks so by month's end i will be done with my first two classes. although the classes are only eight weeks long, we cover sixteen weeks of material, which is why we are advised to only take two classes per session. the work/study load is large.

it has truly been something to write about. the differences between going to school as an adult vs. a young adult are astonishing to me. i would like to say that i wish i had this level of maturity as a young adult, but that would not be true. for one, i was mature (maybe too much for my own good) and even beyond that i believe there is value in the experience of being "young and naive." (not dumb.)

as a young woman, i did not know who i was. at all. i knew who i wanted to be (an advantage in those early years), but i did not know who i actually was. there is a difference there. if you would have asked me then i would have told you: i want to be somebody. i wanted to be a somebody, a woman who lived and affected change, thought, ideas in the world. i did not want to be a woman who lived life on the sidelines. no, not me. i wanted both of my feet firmly planted in the center of life.

so here i am. 34 years young and knowing who that somebody called me is.

i have learned so much these past five weeks. i am not the same woman. everything about me has changed. the way i see myself. my understanding of my strengths. my religious faith and understanding. my understanding of my life purpose. my organization and time management skills. my love for my family. my sense of gratitude and appreciation for life. it literally goes on and on.

i am maintaining an a+ in both of my classes. i have consistently earned perfect scores in my overview of the bible class (which is very difficult and requires a tremendous amount of studying the history and theological movements and developments of the bible) and i have also consistently written perfect essays in my composition class. (this week i have agreed to help tutor a few of my fellow students write their papers.)

my english comp. teacher has already talked to me about pursuing a master's in english and has told me that i would be perfect for the program. she also told me that i am a gifted writer with a very bright future ahead of me. i cannot begin to explain how much that meant to me. it was completely unsolicited and throughly needed.

deciding to go back to school, assume the financial debt, and take the energy and time away from my family while i pursue my education was difficult. the last thing i wanted to be as a mother is selfish. however, the feedback from my instructor confirmed that i had made the right decision and am on the right path.

beyond that, the spiritual education i'm receiving has been another confirmation that i made the right decision. i now understand the value of going to a religiously centered school. my professors are filled with a great level of humanity and care for their students. i am truly being honest when i say that i feel the love from my professors. beginning class with prayer reminds me of being young, sitting at my grandparents kitchen table and praying with my grandfather for understanding before i started my homework. 

my bible studies professor says the exact same prayer my grandfather use to recite with me. amazing and beautiful.

to say that my faith has been enhanced, encouraged, and strengthened as a result of my christian studies class is an understatement. we are not studying from a christian-centric basis, we are studying from a historical and cultural understanding basis. in fact, most of our studies have centered around judaism and the history of the ancient middle east. i have learned how christianity grew from judaism, how islam has biblical roots, and i can say that my appreciation, tolerance, and understanding of western religions has been greatly enhanced.

the other thing that i have noticed is a different feel of camaraderie amongst the students. i have noticed that there is a helping attitude that is prevalent amongst the students. i don't feel a sense of competition but a feeling of togetherness. not a "cum-ba-ya" sort of thing, but just an underlying sense of camaraderie. 

i guess it is obvious i'm completely happy with my college decision.

And finally, the good news of this week is that i got my graduation date. yay! i wanted a spring graduation so i will be walking the stage may, 2013. my favorite number is 3 so i am thrilled. if i wanted i could of made the cut for graduation december, 2012 but i choose to aim for 2013 for a few reasons.

first, the number 3, silly i know, but i love that number. second, i wanted a traditional spring graduation. third, i am aiming to graduate magna cum laude (3.70-3.89 gpa) at least and taking a reasonable amount of classes makes it easier for me to balance school and family. (so far i have a 3.61 and if i get a 4.0 this session it will be a 3.64 which is cum laude.) and finally (the most important) is i believe e will graduate spring, 2013 also. i want us to walk the stage together because we are truly the best team i know of. well the little lady and guy are a great team too.

i have all of my classes planned to the end, and have registered out through the next year (which is when i'll be finished with my major classes). i have about 17 units of g.e.'s that i'll need to finish once i'm done with my major rotation. i start my major rotation classes this summer and will be finished at the end of summer 2012.

other happenings?

-i finished my first short story, pigeon, and sent it off for a literary contest. yay! i will probably simultaneously submit it somewhere else too...just don't know where yet.

-sadly, e's father had a heart attack a day after his birthday mid-month, but thankfully he is making a full recovery. it was a horrible few days for us, but a blessing that he got the care he needed, and made it home to us safely.

-i finished a commissioned care bears quilt...which was a very challenging project. i made a quilt out of about 50-60 vintage care bears. hard, hard work. it will be on display next week and hopefully i'll have some good pictures to share of it. 

-i have been invited to teach two art quilting classes this summer at UCR extension. 

-i am finally (we have had an unusually cold and long winter) going to be getting started planting my summer garden, which will focus on heirloom tomatoes, different varieties of squashes, and lots of herbs and a few flowers. we also started a new bed last weekend (well e did...lots of digging that i could not do) and hopefully we will be planting it this weekend (again, weather permitting)

-i'm planning on being in a fiber show this may, and if all goes as planned it will coincide with my short story, pigeon, and i will do a reading at the show. still gotta talk to cos about that, but i don't see a problem.

-got a new mbp! triple yay!

-not volunteering as much anymore, sadly, but i did do a children's sewing workshop for the metropolitan museum last weekend which was tiring and fun.

-tulips popped up last week in my garden!! 

i think that is all. i hope this past month has been as rewarding and enriching to all of your lives as mine has been. go after life, and live with your feet fully planted in the center of living!

live your purpose!

luv...ki

ki's first week of school from the ej perspective

*Read Ki's perspective here*

Ki's been ultra busy this week taking multiple classes at two institutions, sometimes at the same time. So I have had to pick up the slack a little. It's not something I mind. I have to do a little more schooling with the kids, which I should be doing regardless, and I have to do a little more "cooking" (those fish sticks aren't going to pop themselves in the oven), but that is fine with me. I know these next few years will be a bit more busy and hectic, but they will also be enriching and rewarding.  I know the task ahead of me and my family, and I am going to plow forward at full speed. I figure I had better enjoy these days before it gets really busy this summer (as I will also be going back to school for my MBA).

I am very proud of my wife. She re-committed to getting her degree and is ready to handle whatever may come her way. The social butterfly of yester-year is gone, replaced by a "vatican assassin warlock" student with razor sharp focus, a keen mind, and an iron a steel determination (don't mess with her). She is learning to prioritize and has discovered that it is OK to say "no" to any new projects that will cut into her study or family time.

I know that these next few years will be very busy for everyone in our family, but I am sure that everyone, including the kids, will come out the other end of this experience all the better for it. I see many good years ahead of us, and I look forward to the day when Ki walks at her graduation ceremony.

EJ

*lightly edited by the resident "vatican assassin warlock" english major

 

so much to share...

i woke up this morning, and after saying some quick prayers of gratitude the first thing on my mind was blog.

(i feel so rusty at this...)

have you ever set out on a journey with one destination, one purpose in mind only to find yourself on a completely different path faster than you could hunch your shoulders in question? that has been me and e's experience this last month and a half.

the new year didn't start off too well for us. my uncle, a wonderfully colorful character, passed away. he was the eldest of my granma's four children, my mom's older brother, and he was truly someone you would never forget. Sadly, he'd been ill...and after my granma passed his desire to go on, went with her, so he passed...the same month she did.

for a while, i really didn't feel like blogging, i felt melancholy. with the 1-year anniversary of my granma approaching my spirits felt drained. not down, but drained.

the journey...

the first couple of weeks of this new year were tough...so much was happening...and nothing for the better...nothing. i'm guessing almost every morning i was calling e at work in tears, or near tears...needing his reassurance that things, that we would be okay....and that things would get better.

he had been searching for a new job since last summer (something closer to home, and something to give him new experiences - he's been with his district for 10 years now!) and though he kept getting interviews, nothing was happening. it's hard to break into a new school district as they tend to run interviews, knowing they already have someone in house they will hire. the interview process is just a formality, his recent promotion within his district was the same. so that led to many cycles of me getting my hopes up for him, helping him prep for an interview, hearing how well it went, only to find out someone inside got it.

after the last disappointment (which was huge)...we talked. back to the drawing board. i won't lie, another large part of his job search is for more money...though I don't like to focus on that. (we are knee deep in paying off a nasty bit of credit card debt.)

so anyway...like i said, we talked. we discussed our dreams...his and mine. we talked about our family and what we wanted (and didn't want) for the kids...we talked about everything...we talked about our credit card debt and how it sucked...but that we were committed to paying it off...if nothing else so we would learn a lesson. we wrote goals...everything.

(which is why not much blogging was going on)

at the end of it all...we decided e needed to go back to school for his MBA. after getting clear on what his professional goals were it was obvious.

as for me, i was still intent on finishing my novel, and finishing up my certificate in fiction writing before i decided what i would do. that plan took me well into the summer...so we were concentrating on him and getting him on a path.

so just like i helped him job search (i used to do job searching, resume & interviewing workshops and such for a living) i started to help him look for an MBA program. we found all the local programs, we put them into spreadsheets comparing what they had to offer...the whole bang...and guess what happened in the process?

i found a university home for myself.

yeap...what started out as a search for e...became a discovery for me. i found my dream program. dream. it caters to adults, it is spiritually centered, it has a wonderful english program (BA and MA), it isn't far, it is relatively cheap, and it is regionally (1st tier) ranked.

i've had one of the most difficult roads to finishing my degree...and many times...many, many times i thought i'd never get it done.i have cried so many times; I've felt embarrassed, ashamed, discouraged, and downright angry that i didn't have my degree.

e would tell me, "your one of the smartest people i know...it'll happen...i'll make sure of it." he would whisper to me "one day it'll be your turn" as we congratulated someone on their educational success.

and i never could say i truly believed him. it had just never worked out for me.

today i can officially say that i am a uni student (junior status with a 3.61 GPA!!) and i know that i will finally get the chance to get it done.

finally!

i am now a full-time student! my classes don't start for another couple of weeks which is great because i'm still taking fiction writing classes in the university extension program i'm attending.

as for e...well, he was a little slower in making his decision...but he has decided to attend the same uni as me (the price and program are the best in our area) and he will be starting his MBA program in the summer.

if you would of asked us two months ago...heck a month ago...we would of never told you this would be our reality. both of us in school at the same time!? no way.

it has been a whirlwind of change. good change. new energy.

so let's get back to the journey part...

during the last few months things have been a mix of good and bad for us. like i mentioned earlier e's been looking for a new job...i have been trying to find a way to keep on my path of writing, and afford to take classes. i've done a lot of meditating/praying during this process.

a lot.

the one thing i kept asking for was my purpose, my direction...what should i be doing. what should e be doing...what was right for our family.

when searching for a new job it is hard to not get wrapped up in the financial (money) side of things. we kept coming back to the same point...we have enough.

yeah times are tough, but we have enough. no we can't afford to go on vacations, but we have enough. no i can't go shopping at anthropologie, but we have enough. no i can't build my dream garden, but we have enough. yes we still have ikea furniture from when we first got married, but we have enough.

at some point we/i started focusing on the gratitude of having what we needed...and not caring about the "wants." neither one of us are materialistic...we're happy driving simple, plain...old cars. we're fine with not having a decked out house...or being dressed to the nines...but sometimes, no matter how "simple" you are...you want more.

at one time my mom said something to me that really stroke a chord...and has stuck with me. she said that we weren't getting "those things" we wanted because she felt God wanted us to keep or priorities in tack...and keep moving down the path we were going. that was the jest of it.

after she said it, she felt the need to clear it up...saying "I don't mean you guys are suffering, or going with out, etc." but what she was saying was that all that extra "stuff" wasn't important to our lives because she felt it would pull us away from homeschooling, focusing on our family, etc.

instantly i knew she was right.

today, all those worries/concerns i've had in the past few months...have disappeared. i know we are right where we need to be.

everything has fallen into place perfectly. we are now happy that he didn't get any of those jobs because we get more financial aid. we are now happy that he is still with his district because it will allow him to focus on school more...he knows his job forwards and backwards. we are now grateful for the longevity that he has in his district because he has so much sick/vacation time built up and great job security (which is important when both parents are in school full-time). his job is comfortable...and relatively stress-free...another important thing.

like i said, everything has worked out well...i could not be more content with my life. the funny thing? the motto of our new school?

"live your purpose"

yeap...the focus of the academic and spiritual education that we will receive is on living your purpose. that is the exact thing i was praying/meditating for months ago. grand intervention.

i share all of this...to say...focus on your intention, your purpose, your priorities, and have faith. a lot of times we don't know what is better for us...we want things not knowing the full potential of everything that is out and waiting for us.

i don't know what the next two years will look like for us, i'm sure there will be a lot of ups and downs, growths and struggles along the way...but i do know that we are on the right path. for us.

we are moving along on our journey, together. it doesn't matter how it compares to the next person's/family's path...it is ours. and everything we need is being taken care off.

and now...i'm preparing to graduate with my best friend, my biggest supporter. if we time it right...we will possibly walk the stage together in two years...amazing!

more from us soon...as we continue to settle and figure things out.

in the meantime...live your purpose!

more than halfway there.

i've written about 174 pages on my novel to date. 

it goes like this.

feb: i realized i could no longer ignore the urge to write. there was a whisper that kept saying "write" when i'd meditate. it grew impatient with me ignoring it, and started to yell.

march: i started looking into classes i could take, discovered a local spot, and planned on taking classes come spring.

wasn't sure if i wanted to take fiction writing classes or non-fiction, was heavily leaning towards non-fiction. didn't understand the purpose of writing fiction, which to me was in effect...telling untruths. wasn't sure if i could get down with that.

april: while telling my mom about the uc extension system, i discovered ucla extension's writing program. i called on the last day that spring classes were starting and got the last seat in a (non-fiction) class called: finding and telling the stories you were meant to tell. 

these two instructors changed my life. completely. 

may: found my voice early on, the class was that good. still didn't know how i felt about fiction. in this class we were using fiction techniques to tell real life stories...which is called creative non-fiction. this is where i felt i was going to go with my writing.

june: found the story i was meant to write...as the class was ending. started writing it. enrolled in a beginner fiction writing class with same two instructors and begin writing my novel, chapter one.

read the color purple, the bluest eye, the red tent, and started reading books by edward p. jones.

still didn't quite know how i felt towards fiction writing, decided to take the class to "feel it out." i felt that since i'd be continuing with the same two instructors i'd be safe to explore.

july: started taking a yoga class, took some other one-day writing seminars. continued to write. firmly established my writing practice which i had started in april, which is to write first thing in the morning before everyone else wakes, while listening to jazz.

august: asked a lot of tough questions of myself. wrote the answers. wrote as much as i could daily. started researching toni morrison, and started reading paradise.

september: started novel writing 2, i had written so much in the summer i felt i was ready to jump past novel writing 1. enrolled in three other fiction classes locally.

still didn't know what i felt about fiction writing, besides i needed to learn it. my two favorite instructors mentored me, and told me, and i'll never forget these words: "just please keep writing. you don't need to take another class, you have everything you need to write the story your writing. all you have to do is write it."

i didn't get their confidence in me, i surely didn't feel like i had all i needed...so i piled on the classes.

wrote. workshop. repeat. met other writers and started gaining confidence in my voice.

october: wrote. workshop. repeat.

another one of my teachers took me aside, gave me a long talk, and made me promise i'd keep writing, no matter what life brought, no matter how busy life got with the kids, even with my inclinations towards art...i was told, kiandra you must'n stop writing. i was told if i stopped, he'd haunt me in my dreams, track me down, and make me continue writing.

i promised. (with a smile)

hadn't gotten very far with reading paradise, by toni morrison, and set it aside to read sula, by toni morrison as a suggestion from yet another writing teacher. also got all her books used from amazon (that i didn't own already)

november: wrote. workshop. repeat.

december: i am now more than halfway there. have written more than 174 pages of my novel...and have about 126 to go.

i have met other amazing writers with inspiring stories to tell.

i have learned how to write a novel..but of course mastering it is something altogether different.

i can finally say i get fiction writing. it took me a lot of months to understand what fiction writing meant. i'm a why person, i have to know the why of something, and i couldn't understand why someone would write fiction (non-truths) over non-fiction. never mind that i loved reading fiction...i guess its best to say i didn't know why i would write fiction over truth.

i get it now. and,

i love fiction writing, and may prefer it over all other writing.

and i finally understand what my writing mentors meant when they told me: "you have everything you need to write this story."

what i didn't have then was confidence. and now i do. i'm still a bit unsure of my writing voice, but i've been told that is completely normal, and with time i will grow comfortable with my way. but finally i feel like i've found who i am and what i'm meant to do.

i'm more than halfway there with my novel...but i'm there in my life.

i told e yesterday, when he had a similar revelation about his professional career, that was the golden ticket - knowing what you want...it doesn't matter how long it takes you to suceed in getting it. the hardest part is knowing what you want. once you know that...you have something to shoot for, something to aim and work hard towards.

and like i told him...it don't matter how long it takes. a month, a year, or three years...as long as you keep working you'll get there. 

i get that about my life now. and am excited to work towards this novel's completion, and the other things i'll write (what ever they will be) in the future. i feel empowered. i have confidence. simply because i know.

and all i gotta do is just keep swimming, just keep writing. 

remember...knowing is half the battle.

writing luv, ki

that nerdy girl.

it seems to me that i have forgotten the reason why i blog. my life has evolved so much this year, morphed, moved, and congealed itself into what i know today.

which is very different from when I started just about four years ago.

thankfully, i think blogging brought me back to writing. i like somehow, all those years of writing, and sharing my life, gave me a slow entry back into writing. though i didn't know it.

i don't know what i want to do with this blog anymore. truthfully.

my life; which at one point revolved around crafting, making, and art; now begins and ends with words, similies, metaphors, sentence strutures, grammar, characters, dialogue, setting, and description.

i'm in love with writing and i quite honestly don't know how to share that. at least not yet.

i honestly feel this week i fell in love with fiction-writing. seriously. i hadn't written a chapter in like 2-3 weeks, i was antsy and worried that my characters had abandoned me while i was busy finishing up classes, cooking thanksgiving dinner, and starting my (1st) winter garden.

but no. i woke up, turned on my jazz, and wrote. and again, there they were, telling and showing me their lives.

(really so kind of them)

and it was at that point that i got fiction writing. i got it. when the movie started playing behind my eyes again, i got it. i called e and told him..."i think i'm in love with fiction writing. i get it, and i love it."

after 9 months of writing, i can finally say i understand, and love fiction writing. the point and purpose of it -- to tell a story.

how do i share that with you all when i can't share my writing here? how do i share my passion for sentence diagraming when it is a dying art? how do i show how exciting it is for me to learn new sentence structures when most people hate writing, let alone reading about it? how do i say grammar rules (which i have yet to master, so don't think its because i'm grammar smart because i'm not) makes my heart beat faster?

yes, i am that nerd.

that girl who can read a dictionary like a novel, and asked for a gigantic thesaurus for mother's day. 

writers, we love sentences. we collect them, store them, re-read them, and try to nurse them gently (or brutually) out of us.

we also love words. 

like one of my last fiction writing teachers from last semester, he loved a simple, dialect, word:

ruint.

i feel his excitement when i read it. it tells the reader about the character. it tells so much. the person who would say:

"he ruint it" 

is different from the one who would say:

"he ruined it"

*shivers*

yes...its like that, i get goosepimples when i hear poignant words, great dialogue, and image provoking descriptions.

i'm just rambling...but honestly, this is my dilemma. where do i and this blog go now?

maybe i'll just share what i'm learning like i always did. maybe a few of you would like to take this wordy, writing, life ride with me.

maybe. i don't know, maybe i can find a way to share my passion.

a word of the day/week?

a sentence of the day/week?

book reviews? short story reviews?

my hobbies when i'm not writing, that help me write: gardening, baking, knitting, quilting, painting...maybe i can share those...between the words.

maybe you all would like to learn grammar rules with me?

or learn classic poetry structures alongside me?

maybe i just need to talk more about my novel in progress...share updates?

maybe i can talk about cool writing gadgets? (are there any?)

maybe i can just share writing advice (from a beginner writer)?

maybe i'll figure something out...a way to continue blogging that fits in with where i'm at in this life of mine...who knows.

either way...like i, this blog must evolve.

shouldn't we all?

writing luv...ki

letters

i b k :: offering my thoughts, wip

i seem to live 

between 26 symbols 

that string together

art

for me

i get absorbed 

 

i b k

 

living between the curve of

an a

and the slant

of an l

sleeping in the hiccup

of c's and the valley's

of y

blowing like undulating wind

in the waves of

's

sunbathing on the green hills

of m

sheltering from the

rain of life in

e

 

i b k

holding an armful

of sentences 

and

mouthfuls of

paragraphs

 

--- end poem ---

i hope each and every one of you has had plenty of thanksgivings this year. i hope so much so that it wasn't shared only on thanksgiving...but that you woke up each and every morning, or went to bed each and every night and gave thanks

for something.

even the simple like rain and sunshine, that is quite complex. or the complex -- like love and life, which is really simple.

i'm not painting anymore.

i'm not quilting anymore.

i'm not making bags anymore.

i'm not creating visual art anymore.

at least right now. at least for a while.

and i am thankful.

i'd much rather brush stroke sentences across wood. not paint. 

and i feel like it is me. 

finally. completely me.

that is my something. my something simple and complex. my something grand and minor that i am grateful for.

words.

i am grateful for learning how to use words like colors, textures, and staccato melodies. syncopated melodies. 

i am happy to understand the meaning behind punctuation and

line breaks

and opening up the possibility of structured poetry, along with

my prose.

i am happy for 

words and language and syntax and punctuation

---

untitled :: the poem that flew by, wip

if i could turn all these floating letters that look like colors into pictures 

(and maybe someday i will)

lay them all out like a palette of nature

i'd be painting

 

what trees sound like and how mountains are in constant prayer

and the way moats dancing in sunlight reminds me of

my granma's sleeping pallets and my daddy's funeral flowers

and how i believe we (or at least I) can

swallow cumulus and altocumulus clouds

and learn to float in the sky

with dandelion seeds

and fall gracefully back to earth like

free leaves

 

i would assign the color yellow to e

and paint the sun

which is the color of honey and my dead father

i would call g blue because g is the first letter of god

and georgia (my granmother)

and both are the back drop of this life i live

like sky

k would be the color of brown birds

because the i that is me

inside

flies like owl colored birds

i would give a the color green

because beginnings are fertile 

like earth

yet fragile like leaves

 

my mouth would be

the listening canvas wild and wide

like wildflower fields

my words would be

indigenous 

--- end poem ---

i'm really scared to write poems, more so to share them. and thinking that no one reads this (blog) i do it here to get comfortable with the idea. the prospect.

sometimes i just let them fly by, too lazy to catch them, or too cold to fill the breeze they bring. but these days i try.

i started by catching them, when they fly by, like the spirit of my granma, and letting them know they are safe in coming out my mouth.

poems are tender i've learned. they are like me. they need to know someone is listening. is still. and is attentive and patient to learn what they want to say.

they are the shared soul that passes through all of us. how else would the words of one touch the many?

it is my lesson to learn of stillness. i need to be still. available to the whims.

and so these days i wait. and listen like i'm trying to catch the lyrics of black thought or kweli...trying to hear what the soul says.

maybe one day there will be peace in painting, or quilting so i can share this space.

but if not, i'm grateful to have letters for colors and armfuls of sentences and mouthfuls of paragraphs.

this is what i have today.

writing love,

ki

yellow shade :: a simple poem about art

gone.

and it feels like forever now.

it feels like never again

it can be

like rainbows that dissolve in sunlight

 

i can be sick about it

cause it feels threatening enough to my life

my happiness

like loosing hope

 

gone 

as if u forgot how

it was

as if stolen glances had to be

paid back in bouncing checks

of a broken life

as if it was only a phase

 

life imitating art

art playing life

a frida and diego living that passed

without painterly affairs or

big stone necklaces

chocking the neck of it all

 

abandon the it of it all

and stand it there like dried out paint brushes

unable to be soaked, cleaned, and shaped again

 

leave it to film like skins...gloss and matte

but mostly matte

cause living, u do it dull now.

 

u used to have ferrules for fingernails...

ur hands were like brushes...leaving brushstrokes

in my life

 

what are they now,

ur gone?

 

beautiful pink halfmoons writing

about what u can't paint

 

dream of hansa yellow hearts falling

between partly phthalo blue cloudy quinacridone skies

love (yellow shade) is there

---end poem---

today and the past few days i've not written much...but this poem wanted to come out, so i let it. i miss painting, quilting, art making...

but the drive to write is stronger. to tell this story i know like a song. a beautiful one.

it is difficult being a person who lives in color and not finding the time to stroke it across a wood panel, or stitch it together with limp, and soft fabrics.

i try to write artfully. let all the art my eyes see seep into the words, shape the letters, and paint my sentences into scenes...

but sometimes, like today...it isn't enough.

i imagine it is like the necklaces frida kahlo wore, thick around her neck, choking her and making her beautiful at the same time.

i need to find balance...a peace with this bilingual way of living.

i feel like a philandering artist when i write, and know that i am doing it well. shouldn't i be painting? no this is what i should be doing..i respond quicker than i can speak it.

but doesn't the paint, the fabrics miss me. my hands? my eyes? my way of seeing color and relationships between things like i do. this way of speaking through art. telling stories and writing poetry with needle, thread, and old washed up fabric.

if i paint then i feel like i'm cheating on my story. ignoring the fine craft of writing for paint brushes that are worn in and broken the way i've chosen them to be. 

where is the balance? 

i think today i may just paint...and while i paint think about my story...see what a scene would look like in art. or maybe i should play with fabric and quilt the background of a scene. i could switch back and forth...telling the story in words than in color, than in words, than in fabrics...till

it all makes sense.

maybe.

paint or quilt today?

luv, ki

nanowrimo: day 6-9 pep talk for those falling off the novel writing in a month bandwagon and looking for their own novel writing swagger

there's a reason i haven't blogged about nanowrimo since day 5, and i'm on day 9.

its boring. i know it is. i started thinking to myself...who in the world wants to read about an artist/writer struggling to write 1786 words a day on a novel they (the reader - not me - cause i know very well what i'm writing about) know nothing about.

no one. its okay. i understand. it took me a few days to accept it, but i have.

and then, i'm thinking about this nanowrimo novel writing program thing and i'm like...why am i doing this again?

i'm not kidding, i have completely lost track of why this sounded like a good idea to me that last week in october. really, what in the fairytale was i thinking?

what? what? what!

why couldn't i have signed up for some other internet meme type thing? why. some other work a long where i join thousands of other creative people doing something...creative, practical, doable, and enjoyable?

like doll quilts or something...remember when i did that?

this is not fun anymore. no, its not. i'm going to step forward and tell the truth. admitting. it no longer feels like a good idea. in fact, a fairly dumb one. i'll tell you why.

i enjoy writing. i enjoy murking around my head and using my imagination to dig deep about life, about people, about relationships. i'm a thinker. i love to live in my head. seriously, i could stay in there for weeks, i love it so much i've started stretching the concept of living in my head to living in my body.

yeah, i live in my fingertips sometimes, my knees, my neck. i know sounds crazy, can't quite explain it, but its true.

the thing with nanowrimo and its word count daily goals and deadlines and rushed feel is all that...the word counts, the daily goals, the deadlines and rushed feel...it takes me from living in my head and makes me live in nanowrimo's head. and i don't know who nanowrimo is. i don't know if its a he or she, what it looks like, sound like...nothing. and i don't like living in its head and it telling me every 10 minutes:

"ki, not enough words for the past 10 minutes," nanowrimo says while looking at its watch, then sighs to the sky. "your never going to get anywhere with this ki. your not going to make it unless you set down the metaphors and similes and all that flowery b.s. you like to write and pump out some pages."

nanowrimo is hostile. impatient. not very friendly. and even has the nerves to tell me "so what" when i make ridiculous good word counts. like 4141 in one day. yeah, nanowrimo poo-pooed on that day, told me "so what...you still have like 40,000 words to go."

i don't like it.

i've written whole chapters in a day, but i ain't gone lie, i'm not proud of them. i've written whole chapters in a week that i am proud of though.

i'm a slow, sensual writer. i take my time and i hate to use this metaphor, sorry in advance, but i (make) love (to) my words, sensually...i take my time with them. i love them down, like that old r&b song says...you know the one..."let me love you down"

that is when i am at my best. because i am thoughtful. and purposeful. and meaningful. i'm lovely with the words.

nanowrimo is not fostering that lovely writing ki.

i don't know that deep, literary writing can be done during nanowrimo. it can be started i'm sure, but done...i don't think so.

so...i ranted on and on to say this.

i'm changing my goals. not really, but yeah, kinda. i'm not going to focus on how many words i write a day i'm going to focus on if i sat my behind down and wrote. because the truth is...that's the only important thing about this whole self-serving contest anyway. that as a writer you learn discipline and write everyday.

so that's my goal...to write everyday, and then on day 30th, see how well i stuck with that. it has to be about something more than the pumping out of words. really. it has to be about quality.

i want to write quality, engaging writing that digs deep and sounds musical. i can't do that with some november beast on my back chin-checking me every few minutes. i'm from south central...i'll fight back.

i guess that's what i'm doing now.

i'm fighting back. *punches nanowrimo in the eye*

i'm telling nanowrimo that i'm not going to do word counts, but maybe metaphor counts daily...or something else flowery. *kicks nanowrimo in the shin*

I'm going to try and write as descriptive and flowery as i can, taking my time to sit, listen to jazz (and the sound of my fan blowing in the background - i need the white noise too) and stare out my window and find the most beautiful way of describing the most mundane thing...while sitting my behind right here...typing/writing. *kicks nanowrimo again*

i'm going to write love...and geez...writing love takes time...the words need to be rolled around, felt, whispered to, and caressed in my brain before they can fall out on the page.

really...that's who i am as a writer. i have to stay true to me and my words.

so, enough fighting...i'm sort of breaking up with nanowrimo (must be a man then...that would explain his lack of respect for flowery writing). we can be friends, but no longer we will be writing partners.

i'm still going to write feverishly during this month, because the truth is i was already doing that since like april or something. and really, really, consistently since july.

but i'm no longer going to concern myself with word count...and reaching some not even a true novel goal of 50,000 words.

the truth is...rushing out 50K words wouldn't even do me any good...i'll need at least 100K words to be able to seriously consider this ms.

and one more thing (bare with me, i'm spilling my soul like people do when they break up),

everyone knows that your first draft is crappy. so some people use that notion, that fact to just breeze through their first ms and allow it to be crappy...this attitude of who cares its going to be horrible anyway just close your eyes and get through it like you did your first time...

but um...am i the only one here who wanted my first time to be special? i don't want to write a crappy ms, a crappy first draft. no. i want to write a darn good ms, one that even though it needs to be re-written is sooo much closer to a finished product.

i'd rather spend 9-12 months writing a really wonderful first draft, than to spend 1-3 months, and then 2 years re-writing it.

if i take my time now, won't it be worth it in the end. i mean sure i'll probably spend some ample time re-writing it, etc. but won't the re-writing be so much better? so much easier? because i took my time the first go at it?

that has to be the truth. it has to be.

i want to mold quality, not crap.

the process is hard enough, why not just accept it and do your very best...throw all your good stuff at the wall the first time around.

that's my rationale. and i'm sticking to it.

the hell with the november month long writing trend to pump out 50,000 words.

i'm going on a kiandra jimenez writing trend...where we write good flowery stick to your heart type stuff...that makes your heart flutter with metaphors so creative you wonder where did they come from and similes so spot on they explain the reason for life and existing.

yeah...that's what i'm going for.

like trying to write the meaning of love.

so there.

haha..i don't care nanowrimo. because to be honest with you all the agents and publishers hate you...they say that you make their months of december horrible, because they get so many crappy ms that people just rush out in a november novel writing frenzy.

not going to be me. in fact, i'll do you one better. i'm never going to send out a ms during the month of december. ever. period. i don't care if it was requested. (well, i take that back, i do...and i will...but! only if it is requested and happens to fall during the month of december. like if the timing just worked out that way.)

i'm going to send out my ms when it is done. and it won't be done during the month of november so i'm going to stop trying.

okay...that felt good.

i think that is about all that i wanted to say.

no wait...i'm not quitting...i'm just changing here...i'm making the next year my nanowriyr (national novel writing year) yeah...how you like that?

let me share a quick calculation with you other novel writers:

if you wanted to write a dammed good 100,000 word literary novel, and gave yourself a year, guess how many words you'd have to write a day.

go on guess. i'll wait.

274.

two-hundred-and-freaking-seventy-four!

can you imagine how great that novel would be if every day for a year you lived it, breathed it in, and put your heart down in 274 words.

am i the only one screaming in my head right now? like really?

that's it. 274 words a day for the next year will bring you to literary heaven.

that my friends is writing truth. that is writing love capabilities. skills. that is the "truth like a.i." as jermaine dupri would say...

in fact let me share the lyrics:

"i'm the truth like a.i., got the proof and stay fly...know why? cause i write the songs that the whole world sings"

now let's take that rapping swagger...and apply it to writing:

"i'm the truth like a.i. got the words and stay fly...know why? cause i write the books that the whole world reads"

i know...nerdy rappin' ki. i do that. really i do that with lyrics...i take on the swagger of rappers...and slap it on my back and apply it to my nerdy life..like my art stuff, my writing...all that stuff...i get crazy.

i "whobang" on what ever is holding me back. i do..i'll put on some t.i. "bring 'em out" some jay z, all kinds of stuff..pump myself up...and then mellow down with the roots, get spiritual with india. aire and then write to jazz...

i know, i'm weird like that.

i may even take it back and put on "stomp" old school kirk franklin...

i know...but that's just how i do it. you can do it your way.

so let's get back on topic. my pep talk to myself and other writers fearing they are not cut out for nanowrimo.

its okay...nanowrimo is that boyfriend that looked all cute and charming...till he opened his mouth. you can dump him. i promise you, you'll find someone better. he may not be popular...but he'll have his own swagger. and that's cool.

look at e. he ain't the most hip hop-ed out guy i ever dated...in fact quite the opposite (though he loves the song noila clap - don't know why) but geez i love him with all his e, nerdy, non-dressing, non-ghetto self. he's like a breath of fresh air that came around in 1998 and never left me. he is my always blue sky. he is mine, and i so love him.

you too can find your novel writing swagger.

go on...think about it. you can.

mines is writing love.

so "whobang" on writing...get your swagger...and let's "do the damn thing" but let's do it write.

writing love,

ki

p.s. in case you are wondering, i made my writing goals for the week. i wrote more than 12,502 words last week. i don't know the exact amount..because..well you read the last 1800 words right?

i say that to say, i'm not stopping, or breaking up with nanowrimo because i can't do it, i'm breaking up with it because i don't want to. i don't think its for me. it doesn't fit my m.o. my style, my writing swagger.

that doesn't mean i'm not going to write my arse off the next few weeks..but i was doing that before nov. 1st rolled around. i'm still going to show up every day and write, i'm just not committed to this idea of having to write 1786 words a day.

does that make sense?

i hope it does, cause i'm still going to be blogging about my progress. i don't care if no one reads it, its my journal. its my prerogative.

okay, enough

2125 words

time to write on my novel.