i'm a couple of weeks from going back to school. it seems like i shouldn't say "going back to school" because i have been taking classes for the past year at my local university's extension program and that surely fills the bill of school.
but there is a difference, and i am going back...i'm going back to a university. it has been fourteen years since i have been at a university.
fourteen.
this past wednesday was my birthday, and for my birthday (since e took off work) i wanted to visit my new campus, walk around, get my i.d. taken care of, and familiarize myself with the campus.
the first thing i did was go to the information desk and ask where do i go. simple right? no...i looked at the young (student worker) lady behind the desk and wondered what did she see. here i was...locs full of grey, two small children and husband in tow...completely lost, asking about an i.d.
i wondered if i looked old. not old in the sense of aged...but old in the sense of "experienced." i'm a mother...of an 8-year old and 6-year old...i've been married for almost 12 years, surely i don't look the part of a new uni student. i wondered what she saw, i remembered when i was her age (at my first university) and the concept of family seemed so far, and "old" to me. again not old in the sense of age, old in the sense of "adult."
well, she told me which direction to head in, and i (well we) started down that direction. it was mid-day so the building was alive with students studying, walking to and from class, going into the computer lab, etc. i had to look misplaced because a kind, young (but older than the student receptionist) lady, who was immaculately dressed (she was an employee), stopped and asked me if i/we needed help finding something.
she pointed us in the right direction, and then i knew...i looked out of place.
i looked down at my outfit, cute jeans, fuschia pink tennis shoes, handmade heart purse, colorful scarf...nice jacket...it was raining...so I didn't look too bad...i thought. i made an effort...afterall it was my birthday and i was taking an i.d. picture, so it wasn't my clothes, at least i hoped.
as i reached the office where my i.d. would be taken i thought about my locs...this morning there was a lot of grey...a lot of fuzz...my re-tighetening appt. two weeks away...i thought, maybe that's it.
e whispered him and the kids would wait out in the hall for me. i opened the door and slipped in quiet as a mouse. i was focused on being polite, professional...and i don't know what else. i stood at the desk and a lady busy making copies in the back called out to me if i needed help.
when she approached and i told her i needed to get my i.d., and that i was a new student she started asking me questions...did i have my schedule, who sent me, what paper work did i have, etc. i had nothing...but i did know my student number was all i could manage.
i was thinking...now i'm really standing out...what student doesn't have all her "official" paper work..how could i have forgotten all that important stuff.
she was a bit irritated, but content to look me up in the computer by number...and while she waited for the computer to come to life and confirm that i was in fact a student, i looked back and through the glass panneled door. my son was standing at the window, his newly landscaped mouth of incoming and outgoing teeth open wide, his eyes bright, and his right hand up waving back and forth to me; hi mommy he mouthed.
i smiled at him, and he formed his two happy hands into a heart...which means in six-year old boy talk, "hi mommie, i see you, i love you...can i come stand next to you and see what your doing and ask questions in my loud, squeaky voice." i mouth "hi" and "i love you" back to him and promptly turned around before he started with the hand-clasped begging gestures.
with a six-year old, heart jesturing, tooth-missing boy standing at the door waiting for me...i knew i stood out.
once she found me, i had to produce i.d. and from there she took me to the back and i shyly stood up against a vanilla white background and got my i.d. picture taken. on my 34th birthday. i was instructed to come back the first week of class and pick it up.
i went out to the hall...reconnected with my family...and we started to "explore" the campus. we had to ask where the bookstore was twice, or was it three times. we walked around the bookstore looking at the prices of books...e going pale...and then stumbled out...trying to "explore" more.
i noticed that people looked at us like they were trying not to look like us. and the more they did it, the more i tried to act normal, with a husband, eight-year old, and six-year old in tow. me and e could of easily parented half the students we crossed, i thought. or was i just exaggerating?
thankfully...the rain, which had stopped for a short time...enough to let us get onto campus...had started back...enough to give us an excuse to get off campus.
when we got to the car i told e how out of place i felt, how i felt like a visitor...like i didn't belong.
everything i thought i knew about being a college student, what if felt like, what the atmosphere was like, what to do, how to navigate the buildings...everything was being washed away on the car windows with the rain.
i was an adult student.
can you explain financial aid, pre-reqs, office hours, and what i can do with this major again to me?
i used to know everything, and i do know somethings still...to some extent. but i have been gone for so long that this is a different experience for me now. i'm not sure that i'll get enough financial aid to fund my education anymore; i've been jaded. i'm not interested in social groups, clubs, and what pep rallies are coming up, unless of course my eight and six-year olds can attend. i'm not looking forward to hanging out in the dining hall and talking about campus gossip or what professors are tripping this semester, unless of course the dining hall has allergen-free and family meals.
this is a whole new expereince for me. i am an adult student. on campus housing? i have a mortage and a summer vegetable garden to plan.
things are going to be much, much different for me this time around.
my last try at full-time college i worked three jobs, lived on campus and had lots and lots of fun. this time? i'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom with a garden, and an almost thirty-nine-year old husband of eleven, nearly twelve years.
this time i have gray hair, and snacks and reading books in my purse for my kids. this time i have to manage homework and studying in between cooking dinner, cleaning house, schooling my kids, and taking care of anyone who is either sick, or recovering from a knee scrap.
that is the difference of fourteen years.
a family. a husband. a daughter. a son. a home. a garden. a pet bird.
so much to prepare for this time. scheduling classes around children, how will i fit homeschooling and their summer golf-classes into the schedule. how will having a husband in a graduate program change things. what type of laptop do i need, how will i take notes? paper and pen? or laptop...or an ipad (trying to justify and sneak one of those in).
but truthfully...so many things are different for me now as an adult student, but yet the biggest difference?
my gratitude. oh, how i don't take a college education for granted. i don't want to just get through with it...i want to excel at it. i want to graduate with honors. i want expect to get an a in every, yes, every class. i plan to sit at the front of the class, instead of sitting with friends (if i even make any). i plan on working ahead of schedule (you never know as a parent when a child, or spouse may come up sick). i plan on getting the most out of every single class i am in.
this past year, the classes i've taken towards my fiction certificate...i've gotten an a in each and everyone of them. before that, when i was trying to get my general ed classes out the way at the local community classes, i got all a's and one b. my transfer g.p.a? 3.61 and that is not good enough for me.
before...my first shot at full-time college...i spent a couple of semester on academic probation. not because i wasn't smart. but because i wasn't focused. i didn't know what i wanted. i didn't know who i was. i was working more than going to school. i didn't have the support that i have now. i didn't even have a computer...i had none of the advantages i have today. none.
this time...all of that has been turned around and i have a new chance. and this time i'm going to do it right.
i think now that the reason i stood out so much wednesday and the other times i've gone to the campus is because i've gone with my kiddos in tow...holding both of my hands as i walked and tried to find my way around campus.
i like that though. i like having them on both sides of me...with e behind me, his hand in the small of my back, gently guiding, protecting, and supporting me.
fourteen years has done me well.
ki.
i hope you all will join me as i set out on this new journey...and try to blog about my progress.
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