it's not really easy for me to talk about this, but perhaps that's why i need to keep this record of my thoughts.
we have been going through a very rough three days. i have one little one who has been sick pretty much constantly (read previous post to find out) and then this evening e got a bit sick also.
tonight...today, this evening i've been struggling with my perceived inadequateness of taking care of my family. i say perceived because despite being on the verge of tears, feeling weak in my strength, worrying myself beyond what is probably acceptable or normal and constantly voicing my fears and doubts i have taken care of my sick child and now my sick husband.
but it was terribly hard. not because of lack of love or lack of wanting to, but because i have my own fears about this particular type of sickness. like i said in the last post, this is the one thing as a parent that i dreaded and feared. when the little guy broke his collar bone a week after turning 2, i was "fine" i was able to deal with it, after the initial shock and the ride in the ambulance. once he fell asleep in the ambulance and when we got to the hospital i was fine, strong as a rock...i accompanied him through the x-rays, the whole ordeal. whenever they get colds, or scraps on the knees or feel sad, whatever i'm there i can handle it without a problem. but this, this is where i fall weak. and i am beating myself up about it. i feel like a bad mother for feeling scared and being fearful and feeling weak.
i know the last few days i've put my sister nina's patience to the test, and i've rattled the nerves of e with my worries. that is what i don't want to do, but how do i hold it all in?
tonight, my aunt called me to check on us...and i updated her. she spent a few hours talking to me, sharing with me her wisdom (after over 15 years of running a daycare in her home) and her strength and that really lifted my spirits. i was able to voice my worries and fears (which she already knew) and she gently explained to me how to find my strength and how i was doing fine...and that it really would get better. too bad she lives in l.a. she told me she wished we were closer cause she would just take yali for us and nurse her back to health so we could rest. i know she would cause she did it for me when i was little when my mom had to work, along with my grandma. the comfort in knowing that type of love exists for us gave me strength. just the thought warmed my heart and spirit enough to sustain me. by the way its my cousin tasha's mother whom i'm talking about...my mother's only sister. the only aunt i grew up with and knew.
its funny because i find myself sitting here, typing this knowing that it is a letter to myself, a memoir for myself of how i know i can find strength in myself despite any obstacle. some say if you can't handle vomiting, how can you handle the harder issues in life like cancer, death, serious things...but i can...i have, during those times it is easy for me to be the strength for those i love...this is just my own personal obstacle, hurdle or rough patch to get over.
and, i have found my strength...even amongst the worrying, the near tears, the anxiety and despair. i have found my strength. just in the few minutes i've been typing this i've had to rush with her to the bathroom, along with e (who refuses to rest despite him becoming sick too) and hold her hair and rub her back and re-assure her that it was okay. i've been up and down constantly with my little man trying to get him to settle down and go to sleep, and i've been trying to keep tabs on e, and make him rest. i've found strength.
i look at my hands and they are so dry and cracked from all the hand-washing and sanitizing i've been doing with bleach, etc. cleaning up...this is something i can do, and that i can do well. i'm thankful it has not gone unnoticed the little guy told me i was "the bestest mommie cause i cleaned up the bathroom so good," and e thanked me for cleaning up and also for allowing him to rest...i told him i only wish he would rest more. i told him i could be strong for him, and not to worry about me...i can take care of him and the kids. but he's having none of it...
that is why he is my rock, because i find the strength in him inspiring and strengthening. his strength makes me stronger...for them and also for myself. i wonder if this is wrong, a wrong way of going about life, but then i realize its not because it is simply a form of the deep love and connection that we have for each other. it is our way of carrying each other and letting each other have our weak points when the other is strong.
i refuse to question it any further.
before i end this...and get to finishing up one of the three homework assignments i have to complete (nearly the last) i want to end on a good note...
despite it all i am so grateful and happy to have:
- beautiful healthy kids
- a strong,nurturing and supportive husband
- a wonderful sister
- a wonderful, supportive family
- my own inner strength
- health insurance
- a home of our own
- spell check (cause as late as it is and as tired as i am...i'm spelling everything wrong)
- my art, my passion
- the book "a new earth"
- a podcast of the first class...waiting for me to sync with my i-pod (and my i-pod for that matter)
- my spirituality
- my friends (two of whom let me know that there is a banana allergy that she is having...i'll explain later)
- and to be in this show at the metropolitan museum, and to be a "featured artist" even though i may have to miss the reception because of the outbreak of sickness around her. i'm a bit disappointed, but i know i will have many other big shows in the future so i am not attaching myself to this one show...i make art because i love to...period.
well, its 1:47 am and i still have a homework assignment and a few quizzes and an exam to complete...and i have to be at the dr. with the little lady at 8:30 am.
i am grateful and happy to have come this far in finding my strength.
smiling...and ready to "do the darn thing"....
paz,
ki
note: if you've read this far :0 i just wanted to mention that my goal is to post everyday during the month of march...or darn close as i can get it. technically i started this post wed. evening so i think its okay ;)
