so its been a while...
but, i'm here.
i took some time for myself, my family...self discoveries & lessons..but mostly...
growth and space.
its amazing how much space can create growth...or growth can provide space. i'm never really one for being at a lost for words...but i found myself in a place where there were no words...simply because there wasn't much need for words, descriptions, thoughts...etc. there was a need for space, for stillness...to facilitate inner growth.
i feel amazing.
i feel thankful...grateful.
i feel alive.
i feel happiness.
i feel still.
i feel peace.
i've gained such a new understanding....awareness of life that in the midst of crying, of grief...i found gratitude, happiness...peace.
loss allowed me to gain the world...because with loss i found peace, i found happiness...gratitude.
a walk at dusk...
one particular night i went for a walk...i walked around our lake...found a tree and sat. yes...i cried, i cried my eyes out. i cried for a while, but when i lifted my head, and looked around i felt the support of the universe. the tree was my confident, it allowed me to sit and lean against it. i looked out and saw the mountains...and they became a lesson in strength and persevering...just as they remained despite the many storms they've endured...i saw myself persevering. i looked out into the vastness of the sky and i saw and experienced the infinity of life...the ever changing-ness of life...the impermanence. and with that it clicked. "this too shall pass," the every fleeting reality of life. the notion, the belief the very idea of "now" became understandable to me. and i begun to look around in awe. the more i looked out at nature and what was around me, the more peace i found...the more happiness i found in every second i sat there even with my sorrow...and with that i found gratitude.
red rocks that i'm sure used to be apart of the mountain above.
so the more i walked...sat...the more i discovered, about myself...life and the space around me. i stumbled upon these rocks and instantly it was like a mirror was placed in front of me. the nuances in their color reminded me of my skin, their texture reminded me of my life...their cracks of the work i love to do...piecing and quilting...their form of the bread i find peace in making...but, the weight of their presence...their stillness...there being-ness...there existence which has obviously evolved from the strongest mountain reminded me of my presence...my perseverance...my evolution from the strongest mountains around me.
i saw me.
now.
so today...now. i am filled with gratitude, happiness...peace. the space that i carved out inside, i've been carving out around me. i cleaned out my sewing space...i threw away all my old scraps (about 8 large trash bags full). i threw away fabric that served me no purpose. i got rid of all the old baggage i've accumulated over the past 5 years...this included some pieces of art. the earth conscious me wanted to donate or not put the fabrics, etc. in the trash. but deep down i knew that i needed to rid my life of all the "stuff" and holding on and waiting till i could find a new home for them wasn't an option.
my space is now clear. my mind is clear.
i no longer know what direction or path i'm on. i don't label myself with the notion of "artist" anymore, and i've lost the desire to "make art" for "show." i've canceled my upcoming solo show...as i'm truly flying (soul)o now.
i am truly happy now...i find so much life and living in allowing things to unfold around me now...instead of trying to "create" a future.
who knows what or where i go from here...but what i do know is that what ever i do...all that i've done since...has been from my soul.
my life is now a (soul)o show!! one that is unfolding every moment...
blissfully peaceful...
paz,
kiandra
