Hey, you want to know a secret? It isn't always easy being a focused student, a homeschooling mother, a supportive wife-daughter-sister-friend, a short person, or outspoken & passionate.
I've had a rough week:
I've cried and lost nights of sleep. I've not been focused. I haven't washed dishes in...I don't know how many days (but I think E has picked up some of the slack). I'm frustrated. I learned the depths of my passion for learning/teaching this week. I'm insanely annoyed every time the phone rings. My back has made me cry too. My house looks like my kitchen sink. We had sandwiches 2 or 3 times this week because neither me nor E had time to "cook" dinner (not even making minute rice, steaming vegetables, and quick-cooking chicken).
I am finding solace in doing what I shouldn't and some of what I should do:
1. I E bought me new platforms as an early "present."
2. I added a "throne" to my bedding. It vibrates so strong it made me nauseous, and the factory smell makes my eyes water and burn. But, besides all that I feel like it will lessen the time I spend crying over my back aches.
4. I'm wearing those platforms (see #1) in bed because when I peek over my laptop they make me feel like a lady despite the paint laden sweats I'm wearing from my maternity days, and the too big, cheap, forever 21 sweatshirt I'm wearing. And the lack of time I had to shower last night, or this morning---that luxury will come when I finish this paper. *They are brand new, so it's okay that I step on my bed with them.*
5. I made my bed though the rest of my room is a total, complete disaster.
6. I ate two cookies for breakfast.
7. I'm allowing myself to have an attitude with my brother for calling me at 1:17 am to tell me he was "thinking about shutting down his fb page too," and "that he is finding his new role as father agreeable" because I have no time for sleep, but I allowed myself a few hours and he called and interrupted them.
8. I'm blogging when I should be writing a paper.
9. I'm thinking about turning on the vibrating function of my throne even though I know it will make me nauseous just because I'm so anxious, and restless--but still need to write.
10. I'm thinking positively, because India tells me, "Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday."
11. I'm thinking about being completely irresponsible and buying another pair of these platforms in yellow because it is my favorite color, they are comfortable, they make me taller, they make me feel worthy of my age and title as woman-lady. But, I'm sure I won't.
12. I'm pissed at myself for not writing in my gratitude journal for the past 2 or 3 nights.
If you've heard that "life sucks--and then you die" you should know that isn't true. There are days and weeks, sometimes months and years, that seem like mischief is dancing on your back, swimming in your throat, and bouncing on your sore knees--but, you (like me), better yet us all have to get over it.
In the end there is happiness in simple things like red and purple platforms. There is also happiness in things like prayer/meditation/positivity.
I will spend the entire weekend sitting in this pretty bed, with pretty shoes, surrounded by a grossly disordered room, books, research, etc. But I can choose to look over my work and smile at shoes. I can choose to ignore the paint splatters on my sweats and the hairs growing in on my legs, or the frustration in my heart to focus on what is good:
Today life is happiness in something stupid like shoes, but always life is worth pushing through...to see what is on the other side. Next week, or perhaps, in four weeks when this class is over I will be stronger, taller, and more sure of who I am.
I will be able to write my teaching philosophy, I will be able to confidently send apps out to graduate programs--knowing that I want to be a professor. Because though I'm having a difficult few weeks...I've learned that I value and respect teaching and learning. The process, when done with reverance on both ends, is simply delicious and worth struggling for.
I'm working hard today. My nose is down, my face is pressed in the bindings of my books, and I'm going to do this damn thing:
Because I think learning is the most wonder-fullest thing in the world. Even better than red and purple platform shoes in the bed on a Saturday morning.
Peace & Platforms...