This is me painting random words on the blank white page of my blog.
I've found that not blogging for a while creates a void that becomes a great white space of emptiness that is at once overwhelming and daunting to speak onto.
Where do I start? I've been living so much.
Am I even talking to anyone besides myself? I'm too irregular to create a "following."
How do I begin again? Is there a again, does the breaks really matter in the grand scheme of things?
Does blogging only work with regular, spaced entries? Only if you set rules.
I have to be honest. My life is too busy and crammed with "just get today's work done" for me to be the blogger I once was, or the blogger I imagine I could be. Instead, I'm accepting that I am just this woman here that can sometimes, and can't others.
The great thing is that in between these long breaks I am living.
I read something this morning by Tayari Jones that made my eyes sting with tears that were not strong enough to fall:
"While I do applaud those writers who have used their imagination to render in fiction the lost voices of generations past, I believe that African-American writers must also embrace contemporary narratives...we must not become so obsessed with filling the pages left blank by an incomplete historical record, that we leave no record of our own meaningful lives. I do not like to imagine my own granddaughter forced to rely on library archives to reconstruct my life because I exhausted my resources and talent pondering the past. At some point, serious writers must commint ourselves as fervently to transforming our own experiences into art."
I have been struggling with this very issue the past few months. To the point of exhaustion, I have questioned myself and tried to find where I fit between writing about the past or my own experience. Tayari's words were like validation, permission, and justification all rolled into one. I was so paralyzed with seeing my own reflection in the advice that I could not read much further and instantly tried to find her to say thank you. I found her blog, but was unable to leave a comment of gratitude. I'm tempted to rejoin twitter, just to tell her thank you.
I am scared.
I feel too old to make mistakes and misjudgements and dare I say, not know what it is I am doing. I turned 35 this Feb. and let it pass by with no recognition. Not that I wasn't happy or celebrating my day, but more so because I feel I have so many unanswered question about the 35 years of living I have done.
So much has happened. So much I want to say. So much I want to express and paint about. There was just not enough space here, or in my heart to dive into what 35 years of living has meant to me.
Anyway, so here I am. I have much more to say, share, etc. Lots of pictures on my CF card waiting to be processed and uploaded. I need time, school is in full swing for me, the kids, and E.
Before I end, and begin later today or tomorrow...I must set some rules. These are for me.
1. Never a need to "catch-up," always begin where you are.
2. Write because you need to, not because you have to...because you don't.
3. Write to yourself, because you are truest when looking in the mirror, talking to yourself. After all, this is your life.
4. You don't need pretty pictures in every post.
5. Two, three post in one day? Why not? Do you. Who cares about optimizing, etc., this is your record, your words, your life.
6. Ignore the word count. You can write as much as you like and feel is necessary to fully and adequately express yourself. You will read it, and that's all that matters.
7. You can be fully and uniquely you...I happen to like Kiandra...so don't change her.
8. It's okay to shut the world out and talk to yourself.
9. Smile, laugh, cry through your words.
Okay...now that I got that out, I'm happy and ready to move forward.